Raising The Red Flag: Why Is My Girlfriend So Mean To Me?

High schools don’t teach you how to become a good partner. Sure, we know everything about the biology of sex and the legal ramifications of marriage. You’ve read some classic love stories from the 19th century as well – they might serve as your relationship bibles, but you have nothing more. 

Without a clear idea, when we actually fall in love, the only way to learn is from trial and error. For most people, there are mainly errors along the way. We have developed several toxic relationship habits without even realizing it. As a result, sometimes we don’t know that the boundary between a healthy and unhealthy relationship. 

Among the stereotypical beliefs, this is the one I find most noxious: A man at the receiving end is the one at fault. That makes it even harder for guys to spot the subtle, gnawing red flags in their partners. Instead of ever asking if their girlfriends are crossing the line, they choose to blame themselves and get their confidence destroyed. 

So, in case you find yourself asking Why is my girlfriend so mean to me?, this article of Jobandedu will help you address the cause and find out what to do. Perhaps it just means your romance is experiencing some bumps on the road, but it might as well be a sign of toxicity that you shouldn’t shrug off!

First Of All, Identify The Behaviors That Upset You 

Does your girlfriend constantly snap at you for no reason? Perhaps she is always grumpy or makes fun of you in front of her friends. If you can identify the behaviors that upset you, you should move on to the next step. 

This is not always easy since you might feel that she hates you without being able to pinpoint why. Living with that sense is painful, and you can only solve the problems once you realize the specific signs that are making you feel unloved. 

Raising The Red Flag: Why Is My Girlfriend So Mean To Me?
‘Why does my girlfriend hate me?’ – Source: Unsplash

Pay close attention to what she says and acts. Is it her words, her tone of voice, actions, gestures, or facial expression that matter? Does she seem to be neglecting you these days? Also, check if you are being gaslighted. After you’ve spent some time observing your relationship and confirming your feeling, you can decide what to do with it. 

Check Your Expectations

If you two have just been with each other for a few months, her behavior change might indicate that the honeymoon phase is over. It’s the early stage of a relationship where everything seems carefree and happy. In this stage, you will feel like your girlfriend is the most fascinating person on earth and vice versa. 

Still, the honeymoon phase is, well, a phase. When the euphoria lasts, you two will be back to reality. This is a good thing for a long-term relationship: You can see each other’s true selves. The process of accepting is uneasy, though, especially if you expect your girlfriend to behave the same way she did on the first date. 

Check Your Expectations
The honeymoon phase will fade, but love will grow with time – Source: Unsplash

When you think your girlfriend hates you, she may be just treating you more authentically. You are not the center of her world anymore as she’s back to the things around her. This is a normal step of a healthy relationship. If you miss the attention and admiration she gave you at first, you two can sit down and talk about how you feel. When the honeymoon phase ends, communication is the key to keep the relationship going. 

‘Why Is My Girlfriend So Mean To Me?’ – Possible Reasons

Getting out of the honeymoon phase doesn’t mean your partner must act like she can’t stand you at all. When her attitude toward you gets out of control, here are some possible reasons behind her – seemingly – hatred. 

Why Is My Girlfriend So Mean To Me – She Is Craving For Attention 

One of the reasons your girlfriend is constantly mad at you is because you aren’t giving her enough attention. Well, not as much as she wants. In most cases, you’ll notice your girlfriend goes back to her cheerful mood when you pay attention to her. 

Just like Quora user Ashley Belvin wrote, ladies demand a whole lot of care. You might think it’s strange, but your girl can be insecure the moment she feels like your attention has strayed away from her. It’s the sense of insecurity that makes her upset, which leads to unreasonable arguments. The comment received 561 upvotes, and I can justify it to a certain extent. 

Take time to spend with your girlfriend but make sure to set your limit. If she’s being exceedingly mean, don’t be afraid to tell her that it’s not okay. Girls indeed need more attention to feel safe, but when she’s being too clingy or takes it out on you regularly, you might have got yourself an emotionally immature partner. 

Why Is My Girlfriend So Mean To Me – She Is Emotionally Immature

Emotionally immature girlfriends can be distant as they don’t know how to support you during tough times. On the other hand, some can be very needy and don’t respect personal boundaries. They will always try to be in control of where you go and who you hang out with. When their needs are not fulfilled, they burst out, making you question ‘Why is my girlfriend so mean to me?’.

“Anger outbursts are a common sign of emotional immaturity”, says clinical psychologist Tari Mack, “it shows that your partner can’t regulate intense emotions. The same applied to name-calling. Your partner has to work with her conflict management if she starts calling your name or attacking your character whenever a problem arises.”

‘Why Is My Girlfriend So Mean To Me?’ - Possible Reasons
Dealing with an emotionally immature partner can be troublesome – Source: Verywellmind

If you don’t nip it in the bud, your relationship will deteriorate into a toxic one. Instead of letting your girlfriend do what she wants, you should point out the problem, discuss changes, and even go to relationship counseling if necessary. Your partner can grow and change. However, keep in mind that your well-being is essential as you try to work things out. 

Why Is My Girlfriend So Mean To Me – She Suppresses Her Needs And Wants 

Males tend to suppress their emotions more than females. However, the emotion regulation effect of expressive suppression is more significant in females. Research showed that women’s restraint of negative feelings can lower their relationship satisfaction but not their partners’. In other words, if your girlfriend gets angry with you often, she might be having dissatisfaction that’s unable to express. 

Broadly speaking, girls tend to be more empathetic. It is easier for them to catch nuances in sentences and facial expressions than guys. As a result, your girlfriend might expect you to understand her feelings without being told, especially negative ones. She might be jealous, irritated, or disappointed about something yet doesn’t want to bring it up directly. Ultimately, it leads to anger. 

Since the mindsets of guys and girls are very different, it’s common if you don’t figure out what drags her down. Try to be patient and ask her why she’s mad or what she truly wants. If your girlfriend feels safe around you, she should be able to express her frustration more comfortably next time. 

Take it as a warning when your girlfriend tends to silently stew without telling you why, no matter how much you try. Also, once you two manage to address the problem and find a solution, that’s should put an end to the arguments. If your partner agrees to move on yet still holds a grudge against you, it’s a huge red flag. 

She Is Dealing With Personal Struggles

Your girlfriend may not despise you at all. Instead, her attitude can indicate that she is having personal struggles. You could ask her about that, but try not to be pushy. If she doesn’t want to share with you, don’t try to force the conversation. She will come around and talk about it later when she’s ready. 

She Is Dealing With Personal Struggles
Your girlfriend might suffer from mental problems – Source: Unsplash

A change in behaviors might as well be a sign of depression. In that case, it’s not necessarily your fault. Depression comes from various factors, such as abuse, neglect, or trauma from her childhood. There are some symptoms you can watch for: 

  • Expression of despair or hopelessness
  • Sudden changes in sleeping basis (Does she sleep a lot or suffer from insomnia?)
  • Constant irritation or nervousness
  • A loss of interest in activities she used to enjoy
  • Frequent shown of distraction 
  • Long-term lethargy

Remember not to draw any assumptions. The symptoms mentioned above may point to depression, but that should only be concluded by a professional. You might ask her to visit a therapist. Again, be patient. Make this simple advice as caring and respectful as possible. Then leave the decision to her. Nagging or getting angry will only make the situation worse. 

Why Is My Girlfriend So Mean To Me – She Just Wants To Break Up

That’s right, sometimes your girlfriend is mean to you just because she wants to call it quits. There is a common belief that when girls give up on a relationship, they will withdraw from everything, including fights. Still, some get into arguments about insignificant things that didn’t bother them before. They do this because, subconsciously, they are attempting to push you away or just annoyed with your presence. 

Unfaithful partners can also blame you for trivial things as a means to distract you from their own wrongdoings. Even worse, they justify their behaviors by making it your fault. 

In this case, you should see if there is any weird change to her habits or routines besides getting mad at you. Sooner or later you will find out the motive, but it is best to be above board before she hurts you any further. 

How To Handle A Toxic Relationship?

How To Handle A Toxic Relationship?
Toxic people can learn and grow with time – Source: Unsplash

So, what if your girlfriend is emotionally immature, unstable, and constantly insecure, but you want to keep her in your life anyway? What if both of you have been hurting each other, yet you still want to hold on to this relationship?

Now, the road from a toxic relationship to a healthy one is bumpy. Let’s be honest: Most people will give up. However, as long as both partners are willing to commit, there is a possibility. Your work is daunting, but if you can do the following, you have a shot at changing things for the better. 

Accept That You Are In A Difficult Situation 

Once you’ve chosen to save this relationship, the best thing to begin with is acceptance. Judging and criticizing your girlfriend means nothing at this point, except making you feel tense and lonely. 

What does work is to acknowledge that your relationship with her is going to be difficult, and you are trying to make it better. Accepting the circumstance doesn’t mean you are doomed to a life of misery, or that the situation will never improve. It allows you to soften, which opens the door to your compassion and wisdom. 

Set Limits 

It’s not wrong to take responsibility since you may also be contributing to the toxic environment knowingly or unknowingly. Be more aware of your actions and reactions toward your girlfriend. Additionally, both must review past behaviors that have affected the relationship. It reflects self-awareness and self-responsibility.

Still, you are not responsible for all of her emotions. Don’t blame yourself for the sufferings that aren’t your fault. If you do, your girlfriend will never get the opportunity to take charge by herself. Additionally, even when the person you are dealing with is your loved one, you should be straightforward about how you want to be treated and any other boundaries you have. 

Heal Individually 

Remember, you are trying to help your girlfriend and mend the relationship. The last thing you want is to be swept away by toxicity. Hence, it is essential to heal yourself first. Remind yourself of what you want and what your limits are. You can also seek therapy on your own to help you in the process. You can only make decisions and handle a toxic relationship wisely in a good mental state. 

Another thing you should keep in mind is don’t put your life on hold just because you are dealing with a toxic relationship. Giving up on what you do can make you feel more suffocating, thus creates a bad impact on your mental health. Even if the situation brings you down at the moment, it will improve overtime. Therefore, get on with your life and don’t let it take you down. 

Be Open To Outside Help

Keeping the problem to yourself will just make it more burdensome. When you are emotionally drained, you may need to seek help from a mental health professional. You might also look for other forms of support, such as talking to a trusted friend or joining a local support group for couples having troubles in relationships. 

Together, Explore Healthier Way To Express Criticisms 

Constructive comments are healthy in all kinds of relationships. But if your girlfriend habitually criticizes you in a judgemental manner that only makes you feel shameful, it’s crossing the border. 

To overcome this, both of you can practice expressing criticisms in a “compliment sandwich” or how to communicate so both of you can listen to each other’s point of view, rather than just one person’s monologue. 

Be Willing To Walk Away

Before confronting and assisting a toxic partner, make sure that your self-esteem and self-confidence are high enough so you will be alright without her. Due to her instability, your girlfriend can end the relationship at anytime. You should also consider leaving the last resort when you’ve reached the limit. 

“To mend the relationship with a toxic partner, you must be ready to leave if nothing improves”, says trauma counselor Mily Gomez, “If you don’t, she will come to realize that no matter what she does, you’re not going anywhere.”

Why Is My Girlfriend So Mean To Me – A Takeaway

Why Is My Girlfriend So Mean To Me - A Takeaway
You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel worthy of love – Source: Unsplash

Mandy Hale, the author of A Single Woman, has a famous quote: “A healthy relationship doesn’t drag you down. It inspires you to be better”. Similarly, Donell Jones wrote in one of his songs: ‘If you love someone, you don’t treat them bad’

With that being said, when your girlfriend repeatedly talks down to you, disrespects your feelings, or makes you feel unloved, it’s time to know whether she’s still into you or not. In case she is but doesn’t know the right way to cherish you, you should decide whether to fix the relationship or simply walk away. Mending a toxic relationship isn’t easy. When you are both ready to work on it, however, it’ll be worth the effort, awkward conversations, and, yes, even the pain.

Looking for more relationship advice? We got everything you need in the College Life section! 

Iris Vida

Well, Iris Vida is very into reading books from different eras, cultures, and anything that has been going viral lately, etc. Her passions can't be put in a few words only. Whether it's the "Jazz Age," a Neil Gaiman notable novel, the pitter-patter melodies of Taylor Swift's music, or anything else, she always sends the best materials to her top-notch writings, engaging all readers everywhere. Moreover, like Nick Carraway, who captured global attention with his rich and glamorous look, she leaves readers with a satisfying sense of wonder and an urge to learn more with her compelling writing style.