In 2017, Jon Langston released a reminiscent track, ‘Right Girl Wrong Time‘. Inspired by his past experience, Langston describes the collapsing foundation that comes as a price of a long-distance relationship. This emotional piece quickly became a hit, as many fans could find themselves in the story it tells:
“Cause she was the right girl
Yes, she was all mine
Thought about her all day
We spent every night
Chasing down the stars
Talking ’bout forever
But I learned the hard way
Never say never
It’s too bad that clocks can’t stop on a dime…
Cause she was the right girl
The right girl at the wrong time”
Right Girl Wrong Time – Jon Langston
Sad to say, but Langston’s love tale can happen to any of us. Perhaps you’ve met someone who had everything you desire in a partner. The chemistry between you two was unbelievable, the kind you thought could only be found in rom-com. You desperately wanted to be with this person… just to realize that he/she is moving out of state the following week. Perhaps you’ve been with someone who could very well be your soulmate, but for many reasons, things simply did not work out.
Either way, when we meet the “right” person at the “wrong” time, it is like an irritating thorn that haunts you for years. You will find it harder to move on as you keep thinking about all the possibilities and crossroads you could take.
When We Meet The Right Person At The Wrong Time, We Feel Like Missing Out
So, why does this kind of pain lingers for much longer than other forms of breakup? Psychologically saying, this is the result of an unshakable belief that due to bad timing, we have missed out on an opportunity we deserve. Since childhood, each person develops a viewpoint about what they are entitled to and how life should be like. The sense of loss shatters this ideal, uncovers the unsettling reality beneath the flawless surface created by social media and perfect vision on relationships.
This is often referred to as the “fear of missing out”. When you are certain that the person is your other half, but all the factors just don’t come together to create the outcome you desire, this ultimately leads to feelings of grief, regret, and even hostility. Although negative, they are the last connection we have to the elusive thing that has slipped through our grasp, so we cling to them like a safety blanket rather than let go and move on.
In the modern days, most people tend to showcase their best and feed others the fantasy of who they want to be. This does not only distort our individual sense of selves but also encourages comparison, whether consciously or subconsciously. Looking at others’ seemingly perfect relationships can further highlight the impression you are the unluckiest one who missed the chance with your soulmate. As a result, you tend to fantasize about what might have been and reflect on your past relationship with rose-colored glasses.
But Chances Are… That’s Not The Right Person
In case you are still haunted by memories from such a relationship, I have bad news for you: If you meet the “right person” at the wrong time, they might in fact be the wrong person. Oh well, this is more like good news.
Choosing the right person is not just about finding someone who matches your criteria. If two people are going in opposite directions, if one wants to settle down while the other is not, or if one would rather focus on their career and is unable to focus on the relationship, then it is inevitable that there won’t be any happy ending for both.
In other words, if the person by your side is the right one, it will always be the right time. Period. A significant other will adjust his or her plan for you since they want to create a future with you in it and vice versa. Bad timing, in most cases, is just a cover for emotional unavailability, insecurity, and incompatibility. It indicates that either of you chooses not to invest more time and emotions in this relationship.
What Should You Do To Get Out Of A Past Relationship?
Here are some of the things you can do to stop yourself from idealizing the past relationship, tackle the feeling of loss, and move on:
Feel The Bitterness Instead Of Hiding From It
Right after you two come to an end, it is completely fine to feel heartbroken, angry, resentful, frustrated, and even bitter. Those feelings are what make us humans. You only need to acknowledge that love does not always sail smoothly like the aforementioned manufactured ideals we get from popular culture, we sometimes fail to be with the person we want and that’s life.
It is inevitable for us to face loss, and that’s when we feel the most connected to humanity. To know, to feel, and thus, to sorrow are all parts of the human condition. Of course, we all want to protect ourselves from pain and disappointment, so we try our best to make wise moves even when it comes to matters of the heart. Still, not everything is under control. We can only learn from this bitter experience to make better decisions in the future. There is nothing to be embarrassed about, so just embrace these feelings.
Treasure The Good Memories Instead Of Forcing Yourself To Forget Them
You can remember the good moments you two share with each other and hold them dear to your heart instead of focusing on the negative aspect like the fact it has to end. It is perfectly normal to treasure the good memories between you two until you feel like you are ready to move on.
Don’t Lose Sight Of What You Want, Stay True To Yourself
After you get out of a relationship with the “right person”, you tend to blame yourself and think that you are not good enough. Perhaps you think that if you can fulfill the criteria that person needs, he or she would still stay or you two can get back to each other.
However, you are setting up for failure. Even if the person comes back, you cannot hide your true self forever and will just waste the time of both. The only thing you can do is adjusting your life plan so that the other can fit in your future, but it only works if they are willing to do the same.
Be Determined To Leave Behind What Doesn’t Serve You
It takes a lot of mental strength and emotional maturity to get rid of something you genuinely desire, especially when it comes to relationships. However, as an adult, you need to realize that you cannot get everything you want in life. At one point in the future, you might look back and feel grateful that things evolved the way they did. Walking out of this relationship might be better for you in the long run.
So, How To Know If Someone Can Be Your Significant Other?
Sometimes, though, you can be certain that you’ve met the right person. However, the circumstance is just not ideal for you two. If external reasons are what keep you apart, you might want to see if the person is actually “the one”, despite all the hardships.
Here are the signs your relationship is worth trying hard for:
You Two Share The Same Emotional Frequency
Even though this seems obvious, I still have to add it to my list because some people love to challenge themselves. They might chase after someone who isn’t that interested in them yet still certain they are “the one”. Please do yourself a favor and realize that the right person will be someone who cares about your feelings.
At the early stage of a relationship, one person might give more than the other. However, if after a few months he or she still does not share the same emotional frequency as you, that’s not the one.
You Two Have The Same Vision Of The Future
Where you would like to reside, whether to get married and have kids or not, who will take care of the family, how often you’ll travel—all of these topics are things you’ll need to discuss if you want to commit with your partner for a long time.
Personally, I feel that it is normal for people to evolve. This leads to changes in visions and goals, which causes some couples to grow apart. However, when you are with the right person, the future you two picture will match each other. This is not the same as compromising: When you compromise, you change your life plan unwillingly. It is more like a sacrifice, and the person who makes this sacrifice can become resentful in the long haul.
You Acknowledge The Flaws Of The Person But Can Tolerate Them
Many tend to mistake between ignoring someone’s flaws and acknowledging the flaws yet love the person anyway. You wouldn’t want to overlook the red flags (financial recklessness or alcoholism), but a partner for life is someone whose shortcomings you can realize, yet you choose to accept them as they are.
You Know You Can Always Count On The Person
I guess you already know, but life can be challenging at times. A soulmate is someone who is strong enough for you to lean on when things go wrong—and is also strong enough to seek your help when they are in need, too. Many people (men especially) bottle up their feelings and hide inside emotional walls that prevent others from seeing their vulnerable sides. If both of you cannot rely on each other, though, you shall never be able to establish a deeper connection.
It’s Someone You Can Always Trust
Truth is essential in any relationship, especially when you and your partner are in a long-distance relationship. The importance of trust does not diminish over time, it only gets more and more significant as you two stay together. If you sense any early warning signs that your partner is not being truthful, it will be hard for the relationship to keep up in the long run.
And How Can You Keep This Right Person If The Circumstance Is Not Ideal?
In case you face a hardship, like one of you is moving, for example, you should first not let your emotions take over. Take a deep breath and discuss with your partner all the available options. Can you two maintain a long-distance relationship? Can you schedule to see each other on the weekend? What would it take to make things work? Are you two willing to do it?
The main point is to communicate and be straightforward about what you can offer each other, as well as what you expect. You both should not be misled to have false expectations and believe that something is possible when it’s not.
Right Girl Wrong Time – A Final Thought
Personally, I believe that ‘right girl wrong time’ is just a myth. When you are with the right person, you will feel a sense of certainty that everything is gonna work out. There will be challenges along the way, but with enough love and respect, you can navigate through anything, whether it is a new job, a move, or other changes in life. When you are with the right person, it is as though time is meaningless. You will come back to them no matter what.
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